It was 2006 when I found myself standing in front of a mirror asking why my life had no meaning. Believe me when I say it’s a curious thing to not even recognize your own reflection staring back at you. I looked broken and empty after having just spent the last 10 days in the hospital. I stood there motionless, trying desperately to find something familiar in my own image but there was nothing. I remember the only words that crossed my consciousness at that moment was “This is how I’m going to die.”

I had never thought those words before, and to be honest, it was a relief because there is a certain peace in acceptance. I had lived a good life, I’ve known friendship and family, I’ve felt love and laughter, and I’ve seen the good even in a troubled world, but now I was tired, and scared, and numb. When the scaffolding starts to give way below you, there’s really not much you can do but to let go. 

 

That’s when it happened. 

 

Deep inside all of us, far below our surface scars, beyond all of our defense mechanisms, and utterly free of ego, judgement and religion there lies our spirit, and on that seemingly ordinary winters day, mine made itself known to me.

 

In one second it rose up inside me, filled me with love, hope, warmth and optimism, and one second later it was gone, but that was all I needed. As I looked at myself again in the mirror, I felt ashamed for the disregard I had shown to my physical form and to my precious life just minutes before. I knelt down and for the first time in over a decade I cried.

 

Our thoughts can often lie and betray us, but our emotions never do and I had been operating for far too long without their guidance.

 

I’ve been chasing that “high” ever since.

I packed up and left NYC shortly after that, I knew instinctually my future was not going to be found there.

 

thepassionproject.tv

 

Mark Joseph